Month 2 with Pax

I've been off the blogging radar for almost a month.  This past month with Pax has been tough.  Somewhere around one month of age Pax developed severe infant reflux.  Because he was refluxing silently with virtually no spit up, it made it tricky to pinpoint.  At first I thought he might be just gassy but when the telltale back arching began every time he nursed, the culprit became more obvious.  We knew that he was a terrible sleeper, but we suddenly began to understand why.

I took him to his pediatrician a week after his one month appointment.  He ordered an upper gi barium swallow test and fluoroscopy, and reflux was confirmed when Pax refluxed even the chalky white barium during the study.  Since then we've been through a couple of rounds of medications, and he is currently on the strongest medications he can receive for his diagnosis at the maximum dose. I give Pax medicine every six hours, and I have to pump exclusively and thicken every bottle he eats.  We've made progress, but it's been slow with a lot of trial and error.

Pax asleep in his nap nanny anchored in the co-sleeper mini beside our bed.  This is the only way we can get him to sleep safely and happily at night.

***Disclaimer: The Nap Nanny company is clear that you should only use this item on the floor.  We have chosen to do this against Nap Nanny's recommendations while our son is small and unable to get out of his Nap Nanny.  I am not recommending the use of a Nap Nanny in a cosleeper for anyone else.  It's simply our personal choice.  We use it this way because I want him to be extra close so I can hear him clearly in the middle of the night if he starts wheezing from reflux.***

Unfortunately, his reflux is still severe, even with medications, and we are having to tweak his treatment plan again for the third time.  At this point, we are going to continue his medications, and we are going to have to incorporate 5-6 meals of rice cereal into his diet every day while we decrease the number of bottles he receives.  Though he has been less fussy with adding rice cereal to his bottles, Pax is still waking up some nights wheezing, coughing, and congested, so the only way to treat the reflux at night now is to make sure he gets less liquid to reflux.  At four months, we will begin full solids (veggies, fruits, etc.) to make his diet mostly food- not milk.  Pax's pediatrician said he will not outgrow his reflux, but it will be much more manageable once his diet is mostly solids.

At this point, I will happily follow whatever plan we need to do to get our son healthy and happy again.  Thankfully, Pax's weight is great, and he is responding like a champ to rice cereal and thickened bottles.  Pray with us that this new plan works and that we will get our sweet boy's reflux under control soon.

Ironfish

A few weeks ago, we were surprised to receive an encouraging letter from a couple in North Carolina.  They had stumbled upon our church website through a carousel image I had promoted on Pinterest.  In addition to their kind words, they sent along these gifts.  Pretty cool, huh?  Apparently, the husband is a blacksmith, and they sell cross and fish jewelry and keychains created from bent nails. 

God has been so kind to our family through others.  Moments like this really make me excited about heaven.  It's a taste of what it means to be part of the body of Christ.  It's a taste of the perfect unity we will have one day in heaven... the unity we are striving towards now as the Church.  As believers, we are all connected through Jesus... young and old... black and white... pastor and blacksmith.

Awesome. I know.


Check out their company "Ironfish."  They do great work!

Hope Does Not Disappoint

For those of you are Christians...  do you feel "saved" most days, or do you go through seasons where you just believe but don't really "feel" anything?  I've been stuck in a terribly dry season for a while now.  Don't get me wrong.  I love Jesus, but emotionally, I've been leaning towards empty.  I've been journeying through a spiritual desert while I have seen God working all around me.  It's an odd place to be.  It makes me think about the Israelites as God led them to the Promised Land.  They walked through the most desolate of places but all the while experienced miracles like never before.  I'm there.

I know I have shared about this before, but when I was pregnant with Pax, I really felt anything but pregnant.  I just felt miserable most of the time and sometimes scared.  The frequent gallbladder attacks were maddening to my Type A personality, because I couldn't be productive most days.  I could only endure.  I often fought against guilt, because we had wanted this baby so badly.  When I couldn't take living in the moment anymore, I would live for the delivery day.  I imagined what it would be like to hold a healthy baby boy.  That hope is what kept me going.  In the end, that hope didn't disappoint.  Having Pax with us now has been the greatest joy.  I can't thank God enough for this precious gift.  My heart is so full.

Transition to today.  I'm not feeling too spiritual.  My quiet times are completely random as I adjust to life with two sweet kids on not enough sleep.  I've been out of church more than in church in the past few months for reasons I couldn't control.  All of that adds up and contributes to this season.  I am just not on a spiritual mountaintop.  It's more like a valley.  I'm guessing I am not alone.  I think it is safe to assume that some of you feel this way now or have been here before.

What keeps me going?  Hope.  Hope in what is to come.  Right now, in the trenches of life, heaven seems so far away.  A place where we will become all we are supposed to be as believers.  A place where sin's sting will be no more.  No more suffering.  No more crying.  No more death.  A place where Jesus will fill our hearts with a joy that will never end, and we will find rest in His arms.  It seems far away, but it's not.

When life becomes too much or when the Enemy accuses you and condemns you again and again, focus on heaven brothers and sisters.  Imagine the joy we will have when we see Jesus face to face.  Drink it in.  Taste it.  Let it wash over you.  As believers, we have no reason to be ashamed or discouraged- we have been rescued. With the joy set before us, let's endure our cross and finish this race well.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, l

ooking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2

Our Delivery Story

Pax minutes after birth

This past Easter Sunday was Pax's official due date.  Having him here almost two and a half weeks early has been wonderful.  Even though this is almost 2 and a half weeks later,  I wanted to share our delivery story with you.  God's hand is all over it.  Seriously.

A week before I delivered Pax, I began to have prodromal labor. I went from no dilatation to 4 cm in a day or so but then stopped.  Even though I wasn't dilating any more, I was continuing to have contractions day and night with only a few hour breaks in between.  All of the while I was having gallbladder attacks at the same time, and I was miserable.  After a week of trying to get my labor to progress naturally, I became discouraged and gave up.  My ob scheduled for me to be induced the following week, and I went home in tears.  I wasn't sure how much more I could take, but I wanted Pax to be delivered at a safe time for him.  I was trying to wait as long as possible to be induced.  I really wanted to go into labor on my own.

That night we had community group at our house, and when we went to bed,  I was woken up at 3 a.m. with a gallbladder attack.  I tried every trick I knew to deal with the pain without any success. By 6 a.m., I was vomiting uncontrollably, and I couldn't keep any of my medicines down.  By 6:30 a.m., I had a good cry about how I couldn't do this any longer, and at 7:30 a.m., we had loaded Abby up in the car and were on our way to the ER for me to get pain meds and fluids IV.

When I arrived at the hospital, my ob was already there about to do a c-section, so he came by to check on me when he finished.  Because my gallbladder attack had pushed me far over my pain threshold, I was shocked when he told me that I had dilated more and was almost a 6.  I was hurting so badly that I had no idea my labor had been progressing.  At that point, I was given pain meds and fluids IV to help me rest so I would be ready for the labor ahead.  By 12:30 p.m., I was in the labor and delivery room and was started on pitocin to get things moving faster.  Amazingly, the pain meds had stopped the gallbladder attack, and because so many people were praying for us, I recovered from it faster than I have recovered from any.  I went from being slightly delusional from pain to being mentally ready to finish labor and have our son.

Introducing Pax to Abby

Because I wanted labor to be as short as possible, I labored without any more pain meds or the epidural until I felt myself going through the transition period.  A little before 3 p.m. I told the nurse I was ready for the epidural, and the anesthesiologist came up and started it exactly when I really needed it.  When he finished, I told the nurse I wanted to take a short nap, because I knew I was at the end.  I slept for about 30 minutes then was woken up and knew it was time to push.  I called my nurse, and she was shocked to feel Pax's head crowning already.  She quickly set up for the delivery and called my ob who was already in the parking lot coming in for another c-section.  Within minutes of his arrival into the room, I delivered Pax at 3:57.  He had perfect a Apgar score and weighed exactly 7 lbs.  Nothing about his delivery seemed early. None of the pain meds I had been on affected his vital signs.  God was gracious.

God had safely brought our son into the world when I physically and emotionally could handle no more.  For such a rough start to the day, I had the best delivery experience I could have hoped for.  Months earlier, I had worried that I wouldn't have the strength to deliver Pax without a c-section, and that day, I delivered him with minimal assistance as I had hoped.  My experience at Ocean Springs Hospital was ideal.  I had a great nurse that day, and my doctor was there when I really needed him to be.  Most of all, God's peace was with me the whole time, and I knew that He was with us as we delivered Pax.

My first photo to pose with Pax all showered and prettied up 24 hrs post delivery.

Having our son with us now is such a blessing.  My heart couldn't be fuller with the precious family God has given me.  I couldn't be more thankful to be holding a healthy baby boy now.

Reflecting on the Past 9 Months

In case you've missed the Pax photo storm on facebook, our little man is here!  He came into our world two weeks early thanks to a nasty gallbladder attack, but we couldn't be happier to have him safe in our arms now.  I can't wait to share his delivery story with you (guys, I know you could probably care less), but I will save that for another day.

I'm feeling rather sentimental as I collage all of my pregnancy photos together with this last snapshot I took tonight with Pax in my arms.  You see, bringing Pax into this world is the hardest thing I have ever done.  Sure, I'm smiling in all of the photos, but the photos are deceptive.  What you don't see are all of the days of vomiting my insides out, the many trips to the ER, the hours I've been hooked up to an IV pump for pain meds, and all of the days and nights I have spent crying because the pain just wouldn't go away.   Trust me, I know that women have endured tougher pregnancies at greater costs, but for me, I assure you that I felt more like I had a deadly cancer than a living, breathing, little person inside of me.  As my due date drew closer and closer, I worried about what kind of mom I could be to this baby I was carrying.  I didn't feel particularly bonded to him- I just felt miserable and sick.  It felt so different from my pregnancy with Abby.

The moment after I delivered Pax, my doctor placed him on my chest, and I looked at him in disbelief.  It didn't seem real.  I was almost in shock that I really had been pregnant... not just sick.  I held his tiny hands in mine, and I studied his little face as he cried with the cold air hitting his wrinkled little frame.  As the nurse took him away to clean him up, it hit me.  God had given us a son.  I cried with relief, because I had made it.  I had carried him to full term, and by God's grace, he was here and well.  Healthier than I had dared to hope for.  He was perfect.  Pax was mine.

Not even a week later, I'm sitting here typing this with tears streaming down my face.  It makes me smile to think that I was worried about bonding with him.  I'm completely enamored with this little guy.  He has my heart.  We have been through so much together, and yet, our journey is just beginning. Many of you have labored with me in prayer along this road, and I will forever be grateful.  As I look at his tiny little face sleeping soundly against my chest, I have no regrets. His name Pax, Latin for peace, couldn't be more prophetic now.

I can't help but keep thinking about what Jesus told His disciples when He was trying to prepare them for the suffering they would endure but the joy that would follow. "When a woman is in labor she has pain because her time has come. But when she has given birth to a child, she no longer remembers the suffering because of the joy that a person has been born into the world. (Jn.16:21)"  It's true.  I'd relive the past 9 months in a heartbeat to have this little guy here with me now.

So tonight, it is with great joy that I introduce to you my son Pax Bryan Cirlot.  God is good.

Changing Expectations...

Since the beginning of this pregnancy with our sweet son, it's been about adjusting expectations.  Once again, our plan has changed a little.  Here's the deal.

For almost a week, I have been stuck in prodromal labor.  Basically, it's labor that helped me dilate and efface to a certain point that has just stalled and is accomplishing little more than making me miserable and tired now.  Unlike Braxton Hicks, these contractions are the real deal and come about every 5 minutes when they are cranked up, but my body stopped responding to them last Wednesday night.  Apparently, when I was having a massive gallbladder attack in the ER, I was also beginning to go into early labor.  When I received my pain meds to control the gallbladder attack, it likely stalled the labor as well.  I've been stuck in this early labor cycle ever since.

Unless my water breaks or something changes again, Pax is going to need a little help to make his entrance into the world.  It looks like he is following in his sister's footsteps.  Abby did exactly the same thing!

Even though I wanted to go into labor naturally on my own, it may not happen.  Since I'm halfway through week 37 right now, we are going to wait another week to let my body kick into gear.  If it doesn't, I will be induced Thursday morning, and Pax will get to join our family under my doctor's supervision.  I think Bryan is relieved that either way Pax isn't going to be crashing Church@The Square's Easter service. :)

We appreciate the prayers we have received so much to make it to this point!  God has been so good to us so far, and I can't wait to introduce our son to you.  Keep praying for us!  We are almost to the finish line.

Chasing Rabbits

I've been thinking.  Chasing rabbits.  I need to write to make sense of all that has been spinning in my mind.

A year ago, Bryan and I went to an Acts29 bootcamp to explore planting a church in our town.  We were exiting a difficult ministry situation and feeling called to start something new.  During those few days, God clearly confirmed His plan for us to start what would become Church@The Square.  It was an amazing time of worship, Bible study, encouragement, and preparation for what would be ahead for us.  One of the speakers told us that Satan might not know where our neighbors lived but if we started a church, he would know where we lived.  Spiritual warfare wasn't a spooky ghost story.  It was a reality we would live in if we moved into enemy territory and became a threat.  As a pastor and a church planter, he wasn't trying to use scare tactics, but he did want to remind all of us that the price of obedience was high and that it would cost all of us something.  In the New Testament, Jesus said the same thing.

The seasons of life that have been ushered in with following our call as a church planting family have been completely unlike anything we have ever experienced.  The ways God has provided for our family's needs have been nothing short of supernatural and amazing at times.  Money for bills and needs has appeared in the strangest of places, and seeing God touch lives is beautiful.  I wouldn't trade what we have seen for an easier journey.  I love what God is doing through Church@The Square.

The cost has been high.  Since the blog I wrote at the beginning of December about our family leaping into church planting full-time, we have been tested incredibly.  It's almost like situation after situation has arisen to challenge us and say, "Are you really serious about this church planting thing?  What if it costs you _____?  Will you really stick with it then?"  By God's grace, we have been able to say, "Yes!"

I don't think it is coincidental that my health has taken a nose dive since December.  Even the doctors don't really know what is going on exactly, and since I am pregnant, their ability to run tests has been limited.  A couple of weeks ago when I was hooked up to an IV pump in the hospital, that same voice asked me again.  "Is it really worth it? What if you don't get better?  Does God even care? If He is Sovereign, You know He could heal you.  Can You really love and trust a God who plays with your health... with your child's health?"  Shutting the voice out, I responded, "Yes!"

You see, I don't understand why God has not healed me completely.  I wish He would.  But, God was gracious and has given me some unexpected really good days since I have been released from the hospital.  I know He could heal me, but He hasn't.  Maybe it's so I can write this blog.  I have no clue.  There are times when God acts in ways that are completely beyond our understanding, and we are asked to trust Him.  When I don't get life, I have to preach to myself and remind my heart what I do know is true.  God is good.  God loves me.  God is for me and not against me.  His ways are greater than my ways.  Just like an ant can't fathom the brainpower of a nuclear scientist, I cannot always understand the mind of God.  I can trust His heart.  He is a good Father, and I am His child.

Today, I woke up with one of the worst gallbladder attacks I have had so far.  The Lortab and the other medications I took didn't touch it.  I was discouraged. I cried in the obgyn office.  I hate crying in public.  A lot.  I am so close to delivering a healthy baby.  I don't want to go back to the hospital to get hooked up to an IV again.  I don't want to let Abby see her mommy cry anymore because she can't handle the pain.  I definitely don't want any more medical bills coming into our mailbox.  However, if God somehow gets glory in my suffering, I have to submit to Him.  Life was never promised to be easy, and even if I have to deal with pain more than I would like, God has been incredibly good to me and my family.  God has faithfully protected Pax and kept him safe throughout this whole pregnancy.  I am finally able to eat meals again and gain healthy pregnancy weight to be able to deliver safely with strength.  Easter Sunday is our due date.  Not too much longer until our sweet boy will be here!

Healed or not, God is kind and loving.  I will find rest in Jesus.  On the other side of eternity, I will look back and know that the cost was worth it.  As Jim Elliot said, "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose."  Even if planting a church costs me my health, I'd agree with Bryan to do it again.  The Enemy may not play fair, but Jesus is worth everything.  In the end, Jesus wins.

"1Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:1-5